A list of all the people I hate today

I'm in a pretty foul mood today. I'll spare you an entire rant, but I did come here to make a list of all the people I hate today:

• People who abuse the "Reply All" option
• People who struggle with brevity
• People who don't respond to my emails, particularly when I've posed a question and am expecting an answer
• Naturally skinny people, especially naturally skinny people who pretend like they have to work really hard to stay fit
• Friends who seemingly text everyone else all the time, but are often short with me
• People who constantly comment on the fact that I'm single, especially those who are in seemingly shitty/inconsistent relationships

The end.

On Weight Loss

I've lost over 10 pounds since I started writing here regularly. In fact, at one point, my intention was to make this blog a place where I could document my weight loss journey (ugh...I hate that word, but it is what it is). Maybe you were already stopping by when I posted my weigh ins a few times. But I quickly discovered that I didn't actually have much to say, and if I slipped up, I would just go silent for a few days/weeks until I was back on track. That's obviously not the consistency I'm looking for in weight loss or blogging!

Besides, this little blog of mine is therapist-ordered, and I don't think she meant I should document my food and exercise.

My weight has yo-yo'ed throughout my adult life. In hindsight, I can link periods of weight loss to specific "deadlines" I'd set for myself. (Example: I lost over 25 pounds before a family vacation to Hawaii.) I can link periods of weight gain to times of distress - break ups, traumatic events, etc. - but I was not self-aware enough during those times to realize I was engaging in self-destructive behavior (eating too much, drinking too much, and avoiding exercise). 

I've worked really hard to become more self-aware over the last few years. I've spent a lot of time on intentional self-reflection, and I've done some work in therapy. I also think self-awareness is something that comes naturally with age. In regards to losing weight, I'm feeling particularly motivated this time around for several reasons: I'm panicked about being so close to 30, my ten year reunion is this fall, and I'm focused on my overall health rather than vanity alone.

I know just over ten pounds isn't that serious, but it's enough for me to reflect upon (and share) what's working for me:

1. Privacy. This journey of mine is a private one, and I'd like to keep it that way until I'm healthy again. I am ashamed that I've let myself get to this point. I have at least 40 pounds to lose. When I'm active and eating right, I'm prideful, but not arrogant or pretentious. But the fact that I've been proud of my healthy lifestyle in the past means that I'm embarrassed that I let myself slide for as long as I did. My parents and some select friends know that I'm actively trying to lose weight, but it is not something I broadcast on social media, or to my coworkers. I've sought out accountability elsewhere.
2. A structured program. (In my particular case: Weight Watchers online.) I have tried to lose weight using free tracking apps (MyFitnessPal), and by just being mindful of what I eat and not tracking at all. But I am a person who craves structure, so naturally, WW is helpful for me. I feel like my day is incomplete if I don't track everything, so I usually do. Also, I know I'm paying for it, which is some bonus accountability for my frugal self. Finally, on WW, fruit and vegetables are "free", which encourages me to eat more produce (definitely a necessary habit for a vegetarian like me!).
3. A secret Instagram account. (Yep, right after I told you that I don't broadcast this journey on social media, I'm admitting that I track my food and activity through IG photos. This account is public, but still anonymous. I still maintain a separate personal IG account so that I can continue to post photos of my dog.) There is a wonderful community of people on Instagram who are trying to lose weight. They are sharing recipes and ideas, admitting when they've fallen off the proverbial weight loss wagon, and encouraging one another. It's a beautiful thing. I've been posting my food and workouts on this account for less than three weeks, and I'm blown away by these strangers and their kindness.
4. A boring social life and lots of alone time. Seriously. This is unfortunately a winning combination for me. I have a hard time sticking to the plan in social settings. It doesn't help that most of my friends have terrible eating habits. So I eat at home a lot. And I limit my alcohol consumption to a few times a week. It sucks sometimes, but it's working.
5. Celebrating non-scale victories. It's easier to stay motivated if I'm acknowledging and celebrating changes that aren't necessarily reflected on the scale. For example, I used to always say that I don't like pie/cobbler/fruity desserts because "fruit and dessert just don't belong together". But now I'm eating (whole, nutritious, non-pie) fruit for dessert often, and it totally satisfies my sweet tooth. Other notable NSVs: clothes fitting looser, my face looking slimmer, craving healthy foods or time at the gym, etc.
6. Setting smaller goals. I know I need to lose 40-50 pounds total, but the thought of that can be overwhelming, so I try to focus on smaller goals. For instance, I hope to lose three more pounds in time for my vacation in early July. And I'm trying to work out at least three times each week.

So, there you have it. I probably won't blog about this often, but I'll be sure to share my progress again at some point. Hope this helps someone out there in blogland!

Dear Fellow Millennials,

Please stop humble-bragging about being busy. I am not impressed that you worked long hours today/this week/forever. Work smarter, not harder.

"Summertime and the living is easy" is a quote that you should attribute to the late/great ELLA FITZGERALD!!! Not Sublime.

Enough with the overalls. They'll never be cool again, and they flatter no one. Let's leave them in the '90s where they belong. (Same goes for throwback daisy and sunflower prints.)

And finally... Stop staying "I can't"/"I can't even". I'm assuming that this awful trend started when someone was trying to say "I can't even begin to explain/I can't put into words how I feel", and I have one thing to say about that: YOU CAN. Use your words! That's what they're for, after all.

With love,
LL

Father's Day

Father's Day is truly one of my favorite holidays. I always end up a little bit emotional before the day is over.

I was (am) quite lucky to have a loving, giving, cheering dad around. I don't let myself take that for granted.

Seeing so many happy posts about awesome dads makes me think about what my future partner will be like as a father.

And lastly, it's a bittersweet reminder of my Papoo. May he rest in peace.

Soul Searching

I don't want to talk about work too much on here, short of occasionally poking fun at some corporate office stereotypes that I encounter, because my job is boring. I mean, I mostly enjoy it, but trust me, you'd be bored if I posted about it regularly.

I don't talk about my work with friends much, either, except for friends who are coworkers. I feel bored when my friends talk about their jobs a lot, too. (Most of my friends are teachers. Is it just me, or do teachers LOVE to talk about work?)

Anyway, I am a middle manager at a large insurance agency. (See? Boring.) I like my job because my specific role really plays to my strengths (teaching/training/coaching/etc.), I have a lot of flexibility, and I love my coworkers. But it has become clear to me over the last few months that this is not a forever fit for me. It's hard to be a woman in this industry. It's equally difficult to be a bleeding-heart liberal in this anti-Obamacare, for-profit world. But the bottom line is, try as I might, I cannot find it within me to be passionate about commercial insurance.

I had a hard time coming to terms with this for a few reasons.

First of all, I graduated from college in 2007 with a social sciences degree and graduate school in 2010 with a communications degree. I didn't do any internships or have any semblance of professional experience. I was an overeducated server. Translation: I had a difficult time finding a job. In fact, the memory of my last experience looking for a job takes me back to a dark time in my life. And thinking about leaving the company that took a chance on me makes me feel a little bit guilty. These people have been good to me.

Mostly, though, I just don't know what I want to do next, which feels both overwhelming and too familiar.

I'm more of a jane-of-all-trades than a master of one. I've always been that way. I don't really have any spectacular passions or talents (short of being a gifted speller, which (1) we've already discussed, and (2) as it turns out, is practically useless). As a kid, I wanted to be a veterinarian or a meteorologist. But, you guys... science was so hard! In high school, I wanted to be a journalist. In college, I wanted to be a teacher for a while. Then I thought I'd work in publishing. And then I decided I just wanted a cushy government job in communications. And thennn I thought it'd be fun to work in communications or development at a museum. (Still sounds fun! But jobs are obviously limited.)

But there were so many roadblocks. And here I am, working in insurance. Oh, life.

I'm not planning on leaving my current job anytime soon. Until then, I'm doing a little soul searching and focusing on getting more involved in the community so that once I am looking, I'll have direction/possibly some options.

Lower case letters in therapy

Today's topic: therapy. 

First, let me summarize why I'm going to therapy. I was involved in a very scary car accident in October. After the accident, I experienced anxiety on a level with which I was unfamiliar. I have been seeing a therapist regularly since January. I am suffering from and being treated for post-traumatic stress disorder (which is another post for another day).

(For what it's worth, I don't believe that identifying a "why" is a prerequisite for therapy. If you want to go, you should go!)

I am "little d depressed", as my therapist would say.

In therapy, the lower case letter is used as a tool. For me, it gives me perspective. It separates the bad from the ugly. I've experienced trauma and I've experienced Trauma. I don't think I've ever been Depressed. But right now, I am depressed.

What this means for me personally: I sleep more. I hibernate, basically. Nothing sounds more appealing to me than a night in, with Netflix or a good book, avoiding responsibility and human interaction. I rush through my to do list each day so that I can be at home, by myself, as soon as possible. When I have plans, I make an exit strategy before I even show up. I feel less emotionally engaged with... everything.

This usually lasts for a few weeks at a time, and it happens several times a year. It is not debilitating. It does not make me question my worth. But it is something that I have to work hard to overcome when I'm already feeling completely drained.

With all of that being said, tomorrow I will hit the reset button and fight my way back to normalcy. Wish me luck!

The love of my mid-twenties life

(Note: I wrote this yesterday and saved it as a draft instead of publishing. KB's birthday is June 1. Oops!)

I'm still not sure who rescued who. Happy 4th birthday, sweet boy!